The Monday After: Come on Barbie, Let's Go Party
Welcome to this We Did Not Make This Up edition of the 520 blog, The Monday After. This is our attempt to blast through our Monday morning hangovers to offer you some quickie reviews of all the things we’re pretty sure we got into this past week, including gigs, concerts, movies, plays, and restaurants. Pop a couple of ibuprofens and enjoy.
Knoxville native Barbie Cummings was in a sticky situation.
Earlier this month, Ms. Cummings was driving back from a visit to an aunt in Nashville --desperate to return to her little puppies that were left home alone-- when a trooper pulled her and her pink car over for speeding. The policeman soon noticed that Barbie had liquor and narcotics in the back seat, so a quick-thinking Ms. Cummings diverted his attention to her other puppies.
Soon after disclosing to the officer that she was an adult film star, the titillated trooper immediately got on his car's laptop and went to her website. Perilously close to downloading in his pants, the officer quickly dumped the illegal drugs curbside, opened the patrol car door, invited Ms. Cummings inside, and turned the backseat into his very own porn shoot.
But was it worth it for Barbie?
"I didn't get out of anything. It was not a trade. Just like a guy - he got his, and I still got the speeding ticket."
He got his alright. The officer bragged to his co-workers about his adventures and referred them to Barbie's website, where he had given her permission to post pictures of their patrol car passion. Much to his chagrin, one of his buddies snitched.
We swear we did not make this up.
And now for our weekly rankings!
This week's key:
= That very special honeymoon video of yours somehow got on YouTube.
= Police officer you try to seduce bats for the other team.
= TMJ ends your porn career, but hey, you're no longer making porn.
= Your YouTube honeymoon video turns you into a minor celebrity.
= Your YouTube honeymoon video turns you into a minor celebrity with enough cash to never work again. Except in porn, of course.
Cha Cha ()
This little tapas joint has been one of my favorite restaurants since it opened its doors, so I am a little sad to say I had a so-so experience there Saturday night. The menu had changed since the last time I had visited and in my opinion the items had received a jump in price and a loss in flair. Our service was poor, the kitchen was out of some of my favorites dishes, and my $8 drink was stout but not what I asked for. Good jazz though from Donald Brown's son Keith and guitarist Mike Seal (Primordial Soup). You're still one of the best restaurants in town Cha Cha you just need to tighten up! -D.M.
Being a No-Good Couch Potato
I have passionately watched an inordinate amount of television this season. So much so, in fact, that I feel overwhelmingly compelled to tell you what sucked and what didn't.
Lost, Season 3 ()
Sure, it doesn't make a lick of sense that Jack and the gang didn't interrogate/beat the everlivin' poop out of The Other that walked right into their camp six odd episodes ago; and sure, the plot line is (hopefully not irreparably) convoluted and mentally exhausting; but shucks, this is still the best serial on television right now. We'll find out this week just how far the writers are willing to go. Will they kill off Charlie? Will they resurrect Locke from the dead? Will they throw us a goddamn bone for once and explain at least SOMEthing in clear detail? We'll see. I'll give them ten bucks if on Wednesday's season finale they'll let The Others viciously cannibalize Jack, Kate, and especially --I can't STAND this dude-- Sawyer, paving the way for next season to focus on Sun, Jin, and the other characters that aren't behaving like moronic douchebags.
24, Season 6 ()
This is the worst show on television right now. And yes, I've watched American Idol. Once.
What the eff are they doing? Everything about this season is painfully predictable and boring. The only exciting thing they've done so far was killing off the completely unbearable Milo, which I celebrated with much fist-pumping. Words of advice: Take 24 out of L.A., never invite that melodramatic sow playing Bauer's sister-in-law back to the show, kill Audrey for real, give Chloe a gun and a grudge, and PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF TELEVISION find a plot line that doesn't involve politicians behaving out of character "for the good of the country."
Heroes, Season 1 ()
I refused to watch Heroes until just a month ago. Every dork in my life kept going on and on about it, and I refused to believe that I had room in my life for a corny superhero sci-fi dramatic series. And then I remembered that I, too, am a dork, so I got on nbc.com and watched about twenty episodes back-to-back.
It's pretty good, I'll admit. While it loses points for being a blatant rip-off of X-Men, it gains points back for being a blatant rip-off of X-Men. Imagine all the things you loved about the first and second X-Men movies (not X-Men 3, which contained nothing to love or even to take mild interest in), stretched over the course of twenty cleverly written hours. Although it's not as engaging to me as Lost is, I'm still very much looking forward to the upcoming nuclear death-match between the parasitic Silar and the ultra absorbent Peter Petrelli. -J.B.
Cruz Contreras at Oodles ()
Saturday night, I was able to catch the new incarnation of Cruz Contreras's band at Oodles. They're picking up a couple of Saturdays a month at the lively little jazz club. Their bouncy repertoire ranged from Herbie Hancock to some old-time country classics to a few originals. Their sound is light and refreshing and all members seemed to really enjoy themselves. A lovely way to spend a gorgeous spring night on Market Square! -S.S.
See you next week!