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Bon Jour, My Sweet 520 readers, It Is I, Strapping Young Lad.

Today is a very special day, one we spend in celebration of a historical and mythical man. Of course I am talking about Ed Corts, the ever loved publican of The Corner Lounge. Happy Birthday, Ed!

But alas, Ed’s thunder has been all but quashed by a certain man that was either one of three fellas named Valentinus from either Rome , Interamna, or Africa around the year 270. Legend has it that an evil emperor handed this Valentinus fellow’s head to him because he wouldn't disavow the Holy Roman Church. Records of this time are all but non-existent. We will never now exactly who this fellow was and what he really did that was so great as to be sainted and all. But this much is known for (almost probably) sure about the Patron Saint of The Greeting Card Industry: he was all about spreadin some 3rd century love. Which time warps us thousands of years to the here and now, where you are reading this and thinking “Oh s***, that’s today!”

Now there are various camps of thought on this holiday. Many cherish the opportunity to sprinkle adoration on their lovey-dovies like rose petals from 75% cacao clouds. Others say that the day is bunk and that the entire muckety muck was created and hyped by Hallmark and FTD to crank out early year sales. Then there is the opinion, of which I understand is shared by most of the Knoxville520 staff, that all you non-single kissy kissy faced amorous monkeys can go choke on your bon-bons.

No matter what your opinion of the day, you’re stuck with it and here it is. What you gonna do now? Maybe I can help, because nothing solves problems like anonymous strangers on the internet. Any how, as promised, here is

Strapping Young Lad's Tips For Valentine’s Day

1) THE EASY WAY OUT: $$$
Look, you can’t buy love, but you sure as hell can buy a pretty friggin cool night. If you got the means, drop a bill on dinner and drinks and maybe catch a show. My favorite places to exchange a wad of cash for a couple hours of over indulgent eating? Everybody has different tastes, but on the rare special occasion I get to pretend I'm a money bag, Chesapeake’s or Baker Peters are my faves (Your significant other a vegetarian? Prove their mettle with a trip to BPs' and get the filet medium rare. If they can watch you nosh down one of the most delicious bloody messes in town and kiss you later, they must like you a lot. Seriously, though, best steak I have ever had). Point is, it’s hard to have a bad date if you throw a couple of hundred bucks at it (unless your date actually costs a couple of hundred bucks a night, which just means your a sad, sad, case this Valentine's). The bad thing about expensive gifts, nice restaurants, renting limos, getting the grill polished, etcetera, is that it takes forethought and a little planning and IT'S TODAY.

You probably should have made reservations because every swank eatery in town will be slammed to the gills with folks that remember this type of stuff. And gifts? Well, you can rush out to the jewelry store on the lunch break I suppose. They sell some pretty cute stuffed animals at Wal-greens. OR, you can mozey on down to plan #2.

2) THE “STILL SAYS I CARE BUT ON THE CHEAP AND QUICK” OPTION
So, the wallet is light or the clock is tickin, either way, its time to get on the ball, chump love sucker. It looks like its time to initiate an intimate evening at home.

Can you cook? If not, scoot on down to the Fresh Market pre-prepared deli case. Get a couple of fancy looking entrees and some vegetables to steam with – Oh, you're the can’t-boil-water REALLY can’t cook type person. Still, no fear, they got sides too. You can probably get a real nice dinner for two for under $20. Here’s the key. You gotta put it on a plate, genius. Eating out of plastic trays you microwaved is not gonna score you any suave points. Still got some cash? There are plenty of tasty wines for under a tenner. Set the table, use a cloth if you got one, light a candle.
Need atmosphere? Pop over to Pandora.com and start typing in Barry White, John Coltrane, System of a Down, whatever floats your mood boat. If you take about twenty minutes you can fine tune a custom romantic mix station that you can just let play whilst dinner is commencing.
Gift? Now this may take an hour or so. It’s a desperate play and takes a little mental conditioning to pull off, but I think given our options, we gotta go there. Break out the construction paper, glue, glitter, and macaroni. For realsies. Take an hour to revert back to third grade. Personalize a big, cheezy, lace and painted pasta heart for your lover. This is where you gotta believe, though. You think I’m joking around? YOU GOTTA BELIEVE IT, SOLDIER! While you are making this monstrous monument to your total lack of artistic talent, you must open your mind. You must imagine you ARE that third grader and you have just created your masterpiece. It took you all of art class and you went through two tubes of Elmers (well, the last one you drank and did that fake peeling skin on my hands thing with) but it is done, it is beautiful, and you are taking it home. You bust in the door and give to your mom. Keep focusing on the love on your mom’s face as she is beaming at this heartfelt creation. This is the commitment you must have for your other to not take this all as a terrible joke or a cheap excuse. No person with any kind of heart would dare shatter an honest stare of cutesy kiddy goody goodness conviction. If you bust out ninja strong focus while presenting this gift, grasshopper, I believe you can even pull some tears out of your love buddy. Now, there is one more important step in pulling this off, YOU MUST BE ABLE TO GET YOUR MOM BACK OUT OF YOUR HEAD. Otherwise, you might have just sabotaged any hope of the evenings grande finale. Candles, blanket, sappy movie, snuggles, and then whatever have you. Bam. Valentines for under thirty bucks and with all the smoochy woochy moments you can stomach.

3) THE “I DON’TS GOT NOBODY” PLAN OF ATTACK (Also known as the 520 special)
Take your damn self out to dinner. Go to a schnazzy restaurant and eat at the bar, you don't need a reservation. Buy those top shelf drinks (but apparently you better order in before DQ hits the bar and drinks the wells dry), eat the Mahi Mahi, get a bad ass desert (Oodles Noodle Bar on Market Square had a triple choclate mouse last time I ate there. Bring a helping of that home with you and your evening won't need a “grande finale”. The stuff is semi-solid ‘o’ face in a glass), go kick it at a show, treat yourself as good as you ought to be treated. But save those receipts. At the end of the night multiply the total tab by two and think of all those sappy suckers that didn’t qualify for the Valentine’s Half Off discount.

Now go out there and get your Happy Valentine’s Day on.

TONIGHTS PICS: Shows I’d recommend seeing tonight if I had a lovely other with me: Preservation Pub for Big Bad Jukebox or Barley’s for Christabel and the Jons. It all just depends on how fast you wanna dance. As for me and mine? I think my lovely and I might head down to the Corner Lounge, listen to a little Greg Horn, and watch Ed drink in another great year of Ed-ness.

Til Next Time, My Sweetest Adieus, to yieu and yieu and yieu,
-Le Strapster