: Gas face
Strapping Young Lad comin' atchya.
So I hope you survived your hump day holiday festivities and that love flittered and spread around freely through the streets of Knoxville like a bunch of sand fleas. Now that the last echoes of all those silly love songs are waning we can get back to our normal daily affairs.
And one of my new daily affairs just happens to be trying to make one of your new daily affairs a clickety-click over here to the 520 so you can read the on goings of my exciting daily affairs.
What a crazy world, huh, kid?
I would like to touch on a subject that as of late has been popping its head around my circle of folks. It was spurred on, most recently, by the rumored happenings at The World Grotto last weekend. Word is that some of the artists performing the night in question vandalized and stole from the establishment. This created a bit of hum around the local scene and forums earlier this week and by now is probably a bit of old news to most of you. Now, I have read the forums and talked to a few people and have come to the conclusion that I just don't know enough to point the finger of blame, name any names, pass out any shame to any alleged player in this game. I don't know the story, not sure that I want to, but it has brought forth the fact that certain people are doing ill advised things at shows around town and I think this needs to be addressed. That is why I, Strapping Young Lad, have decided to do something about it. Sherman, set the Way-Back Machine for 1989, cuz I am about to re-institute the gas-face.
If you are playing a show and feel the need to get yer Pete Doherty on (btw, I don't think even Kate Moss likes Baby Shambles) by getting triznashed and tearing the place apart - you get the gas-face (strong language warning). It just so happens that I am a musician and I know a huge population of musicians in this town. Seems the consensus amongst my musical friends is we don’t like coming into a club to play our show and find that:
1. the once friendly management doesn’t trust us anymore and does nothing to provide a comfortable setting to play, i.e. no more green room, docked pay, no complimentary beverages and/or snacks.
2. the equipment doesn’t work properly anymore because some rockin rebel without a clue put his boot through a monitor wedge and yuked up his Jager on a couple of power amps.
3. the owner of the bar realizes that if his place is gonna get trashed, he might as well stop having bands and just hire a DJ and revitalize the foam dancing fad. Foam dancing, people. Do you really want to share the responsibility of rousing that beast back from the depths? A little social responsibility, please.
This disrespect for venues and bars isn’t just blood on the band's hands, now people. If you are attending a show and feel a need to break something – I got your gas face all warmed up and ready for you. For example, why is it when certain guys get to drinking, they feel the need to express violence on a bathroom? Go around town to any late night hang and look at the men’s loo. I can’t think of one that is not in a state of funky disrepair or full of makeshift patch jobs done by the management. What have bathrooms done to you? What is this repressed anger that Hulks out of you when you take a leak? Was your Aunt Myrtle slain by a raving urinal mint? What is it that you have against stall doors, mirrors, and toilet paper hangers?
And on a side note, what made you think the best place you could up-chuck was in the urinal? Commodes, sure but, I mean the urinal? The floor is a better receptacle than the urinal. At least the poor person that cleans your mess up won’t have to deal with your puke and all the normal pee butter, cigarette butts, and other nastitude. I mean come on, that’s just uncalled for.
Speaking of bathrooms, who are all these people that go to bars with Sharpies in their pocket? Now, I enjoy some water closet poetry from time to time, but seriously. When you were getting ready to go out, were you all like “Wallet, ID, credit card? Check, Check, and Check. Breath Mints? Check. Car Keys? Check. Permanent marker so I can finally make public to the peeing masses the great time that could be had if they would only call Sally? Check.”? I mean, for all the people that seem to go out well prepared to write something, you’d think there would be some writing on the wall that seemed, I don’t know, well prepared.
Now where was I? Oh yeah, could all listening patrons please keep your crap off of the stage? I was watching a terrific and super crowded Toubab Krewe show at the Grotto. All of a sudden, this dude that's, I don't know, like seven foot something tall comes in and stands in front of me. Now, I know it sucks to have a tall dude crowd out your sightline at a show, but I forgive these things. There is nowhere you can stand in elbow to elbow conditions where you won't stage block somebody. Now, I am not real short and I try not to do this to the less of stature, but it happens. What did torque my screws was that this guy proceeded to put his and his girlfriend’s jacket, her purse, and his and her drink ON STAGE, right next to the bass player’s feet. That is like uber disrespectful people. Dude might as well have popped a squat and took a steamy on that stage. Bands of any type size deserve and need what ever space they can get. That's why that space is set aside for them. They don't need to be dodging your beverages and personals while they are trying to get funky. I know, maybe nobody told you, and we will let slide this time, but consider yourself on gas-face review.
If you are attending a show and you feel the need to talk to somebody in the band while they are playing, sorry, you just got gas-faced. I know you want to feel connected to band, and those playing want to feel that connection with, but this is annoying. Musicians don’t want to hurt your feelings, but we would like it if you would just be a doll and shut the f*** up, at least until between songs. I don’t care if its just one cat on a patio playing covers on a thumb piano. Please wait until the song is over to request Brown Eyed Girl, or even better, write it down on a piece of paper (any odd piece of currency retains written requests best, I have been told) as this is one of the few exceptions to the putting stuff on stage rule. But for the love of Pete Townsend, do not start talking about your day and that terrible thing that happened to your hamster to a person trying to do his job of entertaining you. Oh, and under no circumstance should you ever, ever, ask the percussionist of the band whilst in the middle of a tune if the band knows the theme to The Dukes of Hazard. See that big black boxy thingy sitting next to his head? Yeah, it’s a fifteen inch speaker that is belching out the stylings of a six piece band, which, well lookie there, is sitting right behind him too. These are no conditions for a guy like me to try and decipher your screams of “C’mon, yeww know it, ‘Jus a gud ol bow-ee’. What makes you think I know what the hell you are trying to say? (True story, mind you)
There are some obvious gas faces that I don’t think I have to go into detail about, like anyone that came out to pick a fight or dudes that make continual bad passes at the cocktail waitresses (just leave now, you satchels of Masengill).
There are also things I wish I could put on the gas face list, but in reality there is no stopping them because you the people love them. Things like shouting "Freebird", requesting "Mustang Sally", and my personal least favorite, "We need more cowbell!" I realize that these things don't really hurt anybody or ruin anyone's good time; it’s just that they make me shudder. I would love to maybe suggest alternatives to these phrases such as, respectively, "Play some Sabbath!", requesting "Walking the Dog" or any other old funk R&B tune that is the same key and progression as Sally, and "The drummer is HOT!!". Alas, I am sure this is just a pipe dream.
Now, I don’t want it to be said that I don’t condone making an ass of yourself. Hell, half the reason I go to bars (or parties, or hockey games, or church services) is because they are openly accepting forums for asses. Inebriation and ass-issity go hand and hand, all part of the game, from the players on stage to the folks in line for the can. But remember, there is a difference between funny-jackass-ha-ha and scary-ass-please-call-the-cops. Please, ass responsibly.
I guess the over all point is, if you can’t handle your poisons in public, stop using them or practice at home until you can. Break your own dang stuff. The rest of us would appreciate it.
Friday Night's Picks: Man, tonight’s a toughie. Try to start out with Mem Shannon at Alive at Five, should be a great show. Get your Nawlin's on. Then what? Mic Harrison & The Highscore at the Corner will be a great show and will more than likely be packed, easily worth seven bucks. I gotta say I am also torn between Jescoe at Pres Pub and The Coveralls at Barley's. I hope to see you all out and about and if you see me at a show, you can flash me your best g-f. You'll know who I am; I'll be the guy making an ass of himself.
Have a good weekend, Knoxville, and til next time,
Straps has left the building.