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This week, we've decided to incorporate a little ratings system into The Monday After to give you a better sense of what we liked, what we didn't like, and what we thought was worth our money. Instead of something boring like stars or a letter grade, we're gonna pick a different way every week to rank what we've seen. This week, we would like to give a heartfelt tribute to everyone's favorite Appalastic Surgery Songstress, Dolly Parton, who was lauded at the Kennedy Center just the other day for her life's achievements. Congrats, Dolly!

Firehouse Subs in Fountain City (1/5)

I wish there were spot for Most Annoying Décor in a Restaurant in one of the local paper’s annual awards issue. Sadly there are many, many potential nominees for this title, but more depressing is that annoying décor often coincides with equally annoying food. That is fortunately not the case with Firehouse Subs.

I’m not a food aficionado, but I’ve eaten my fair share of subs in this town. First there was my Subway kick, then my Lenny’s obsession, then my year-long love affair with Quiznos. But I live on the North end of town these days, and if Firehouse is going to open up shop next door in Fountain City, I’m gonna give them a whirl if it means not having to drive a half hour to the Chapman Highway Quiznos to get my Chicken Carbonara fix.

So give the new Fountain City Firehouse Subs a whirl I did. The sandwiches are good. A smidge overpriced for their size, but really quite scrumptious, especially the "Fully Involved" Italian and the NY Steamer. What isn’t good is the fact that about ten employees shout “Welcome to Farhouse!” every time you open the door, deafening your ears while your eyes try to adjust to the blindingly bad Firehouse motif. And if you survive this Helen Keller-esque stupor long enough to place your order, you end up having to wait a surprisingly long time for your food to make it to the table.

The menu is on-line, so go phone your order in at (865)357-9866 to spare you any length of time inside. Good food, bad everything else. -J.B.

Absurd Person Singular at the Black Box Theatre (3/5)

British plays are hit and miss in East Tennessee. Well, they’re usually miss, because it takes a minor miracle to find enough good actors with passable accents to even cast these shows. The exception is of course Noises Off, which is a guaranteed hit whether cast with Shakespearian masters or with Bucksnort locals. Alan Ayckbourn’s Absurd Person Singular is a much more sophisticated farce, with complex characters and subtler motives, and thus much harder to pull off. How does Actors Co-op fare with its latest offering?

Director Micah-Shane Brewer keeps the pacing quick and fluid, slowing down just enough to let us enjoy each laugh at the idiosyncrasies of the characters and at the awkwardness of having so many nuts in one kitchen, but moving quickly forward so that our minds don’t linger on the fact that these characters are very real and quite pitiable. Pity is clearly not the stuff of farce, so Brewer makes sure we’re laughing too hard to bother sympathizing. Getting the most laughs was Co-op newcomer Nancy Duckles, who all but steals the show as the narcissistic, needling socialite, Marion Brewster-Wright, a boozing banker’s wife. Also deserving of kudos is Leigh Monet, who plays the very suicidal Eva Jackson. Monet is very impressive in that she manages to be the funniest part of the second act despite having not one line.

The only thing that kept this production from soaring was the low-quality set. Several things either broke, fell, or simply didn’t work like they should have, prohibiting the actors from keeping their concentrations and the audience from suspending their disbeliefs. If there wasn’t a budget for a sturdy set, then why was a show picked that required three completely furnished, completely different sets? Go treat yourself and see this production. You’ll laugh at the characters (and the kitchens) falling apart. -T.W.

Blood Diamond (4/5)

You will hear the letters TIA several times through the course of Blood Diamond. “This Is Africa,” more or less the movie’s theme, is at once a statement, motto, and excuse, used both to explain and to pardon the violence and bloodshed in Africa. There is violence in Africa because Africa is violent is what the more cynical characters in the movie are saying. Oh shit, I’m about to be beheaded by an angry separatist militia. Ah well, TIA. I guess I’ll shrug my shoulders and have another beer while I can, mate.

The acronym has another meaning in Blood Diamond: This Is Acting. Leonardo DiCaprio and Djimon Hounsou give studied, intricate, Oscar-caliber performances in this film. These two blokes really do a fine job, and Leonardo is really starting to prove that he’s capable of taking on adult roles. Jennifer Connelly, however, is another story altogether. About halfway through the film my intelligence started crying, its feelings were so insulted by her by-the-books portrayal. I’m playing a reporter who really and truly cares, I mean ACTUALLY cares about the human toll of the civil war she’s covering. This Is Acting, Mr. Director, so can you please get a close-up of my humanity now? I can’t tell if it’s completely Connelly’s fault why she’s so awful, or if the scriptwriters were being passive-aggressive when they cooked up the totally unbelievable and cheesy romantic exchanges between her character and Leo’s. Shame on this movie for having a romantic subplot for DiCaprio and Connelly anyway when it’s the romance between refugees Solomon and Jassie that we really want to see.

If you’re one of those people who faun over diamonds and demand one for every Christmas and milestone of your life, stay at home so you can remain pleasantly innocent. But if you’re ready to be a little pissed off at the world and at corporations and at the man, then go see Blood Diamond. It’ll make you think more than twice about what’s really important in the world. -J.B.

Elemental Harmonics at Barley's (4/5)

Electronica is really starting to grow on me, given a few requirements. I prefer the type of band with live instrumentation over those who simply break out the laptops and hit the instant dance party button. I also need to hear them improvising together to really achieve that “trance” element the genre goes for. This past Saturday at Barley's Elemental Harmonics brought that exact sound. The Atlanta based trio pumped out high-energy delay-drenched dance music that managed to get at least fifty people out of their seats and moving, not an easy task on a slow night at Barley's. If you dig The Pnuma Trio or Sound Tribe Sector Nine this band will provide you with the same fix. Elemental Harmonics takes you on a completely instrumental musical ride, not overly cerebral, with a beat so driving that even the whitest of the white men have to, in the words of Les Claypool, “Succumb to the bounce”. Finally I have to mention that they passed what I consider to be the true test of an electronica band. Someone in the audience was doing the robot. And doing it well. -D.M.

Editor's note: Nothing says Dolly Parton like "succumb to the bounce."

Jason Thompson at Cha Cha (4/5)

In the past year, I've spent more than a few hours at Cha Cha, which now claims to be the jazz spot in Knoxville. I haven't been so sure about that claim until last Thursday night when I caught Jason Thompson's amazing set. It's been a long time since I've been moved by traditional, instrumental jazz in this town. Thompson (the Gran Torino/Superfly Soundtrip alum), along with his exciting ensemble, kept the small-but-committed crowd riveted with a lively repertoire. The group's selections spanned form Monk to cartoon themes, and left the audience wanting more. Guess we'll all have to wait until next Thursday night! -S.P.

The Queen (5/5)

Helen Mirren is all over this year's awards season. She’s on track to bag every major Best Actress statue in site, the way Phillip Seymour-Hoffman did last season for his work in Capote. Is she deserving of such accolades? Yes. Yes, she is.

Queen Elizabeth II is generally assumed to be cold-hearted, but if you're willing to look deep into her eyes (past her ginormous glasses), you will see that beyond the frost is a highly intelligent woman, a no-nonsense grandmother, a loyal wife, and a person with all the same insecurities and emotions that the rest of us commoners enjoy. But she’s the Queen of England, and she’s sure as hell not going to let us see anything other than stoicism and nobility. Helen Mirren reminds us, whether or not we want to hear it, that the queen is nevertheless human, warts and all. -J.B.




Chinese, Japanese, milk carton, Dolly Parton! See you next week!

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